Coping with my inadequacy.

I’ll be honest, I’m one of those people who likes to have their life all put together–or at least make it feel that way. I love the sense of control I have when everything is organized, my bed is made, my planner is updated, my schedule is full (but not too full,) and I am accessorized stylishly. You know, the typical “Type B+” college girl way of living. I’m not Type A, but there are times I wish that I were.

The reality is that my dorm room looks like a laundry train ran through it and Office Depot threw up on my desk. The suite-style bathroom has hair in the shower drain and I found a bug in the sink last week. Two of my bags from Christmas Break are still not unpacked. In summary, even just sitting in my room makes my head spin because it is nowhere close to the way I would like it to be. And that is why I’m in the dorm lobby, in my PJs, typing at you instead of doing my homework.

Aside from the less than ideal current condition of my dorm room, there are many other uncertainties in my life right now as well. In fact, the cold weather takes such a toll on my body that there are days where I am uncertain if I will even be able to make it out of bed. At this rate, my physical training goals are seeming farther and farther away as Jack Frost constricts every muscle fiber, rattles my joints, and triples my pain levels. There are smaller uncertainties too, like whether my textbooks will ever get here or waiting on the washers to be fixed so that I can curb that laundry train. Choo-choo! There isn’t much left for me to be certain about. As fulfilling as it may be to have life put together all nice and neat, I know it will be even more fulfilling when God reaches out his hand to bring His great provision to my mess.

I can tell that He is preparing my heart for my time in Cambodia, among other things. When it comes to mission work, I have always considered myself to be fairly flexible. But God is showing me just how flexible I must become, and how much I really must rely on Him. I love that this internship is going to be one great, unpredictable adventure. And it will definitely be an adventure over which I have little control, and that’s fine with me.

God’s getting me used to not having it all together. And it’s not that I had it all together before, but He is teaching me to be at peace with the unmade bed, bugs in the sink, less than pristine planner, and imperfect outfits. Cambodia will be great, but He wants to provide in the nooks and crannies of my life, in each minute of the days leading up to my departure.

It is difficult, and at times over the past week He has pulled me through kicking and screaming. My joints hurt, I am tired, and my life simply doesn’t make much sense. But the one thing I can be certain of is that I serve a God who is preparing me for things beyond what I can ask or imagine, and He calls me to a life to the full regardless of what that may look like on the outside.

CPnot-so-3PO aka CPJ93

Since a new year has begun, I decided to review my journal entries from the past year. And I came across one in particular that I’m confident needs to be shared. Most of you that read my blog have met me before, and so the impending subject matter is something I don’t address often because I don’t want it to define me, even though it accounts for much of who I have become. So here’s my preface.

Deep breaths. Ready?

I have Cerebral Palsy (CP for short). It’s super difficult to explain, but basically I did a little somersault in-utero and ended up landing on the umbilical cord. CP is used to describe a lot of different conditions, so every case is unique. In my case, it means that somewhere between my brain and my legs, signals get messed up. My leg muscles are in a constant state of partial contraction, which makes for a lot of trouble being human.

And because CP is a condition of the brain, and not the muscles, some other signals can get mixed up too. My hands can be clumsy at times. Muscle spasms are frequent. Hell for me is cold weather, not fire and brimstone. With exercise and regular stretching I’m a pretty darn functional human, and my capable upper half and cognitive function often compensates for my weaknesses. As I’ve grown older and begun to enter the adult world, I’m realizing the true implications of that little blue and white label. I think the following journal entry really exposes the emotions that can lie behind the “I may have CP but that doesn’t mean anything” facade. So here, a piece of my heart:

“One of the things I’m struggling with is looking my CP straight in the face. I know that it obviously impacts the way I live my life, but I think until recently I’ve been able to tuck it in my back pocket and pretend it doesn’t affect me at all; as though it’s just a different lifestyle choice like jogging, riding a bike to work, or eating insects because it’s good for the complexion. But as I’ve gotten older, CP becomes harder to just gloss over. Every day there are frequent reminders that this world was not made for me. Buildings aren’t built for me, and people aren’t educated about disabilities. Misunderstandings and mishaps on a minute-by-minute basis are a part of my every day experience. Even though this is America, opportunity is not always equal and quite frankly, I am never treated the same way as an “able bodied” person. “Normalcy” is never an option. I will always have to explain my weaknesses and prove my strengths, and that breaks my heart in so many ways. I don’t know life without CP, but college is the first time in a long time I’ve had to actively fight the implications of CP whether they are social, physical, mental, etc. The big kid world is cruel to me often, even when it tries not to be. And some days I just want to cry out. I want a time without chronic pain, a day without a spasm or a spill. I want to stand at my real height. I want knees that aren’t akin to a camel. I want to be able to really dance and run and feel both feet flat on the ground. I’m tired of getting to that point in relationships where CP has to be worked around. I’m tired of being expected to be strong and inspiring while also being expected not to succeed in my life. I want my right to be upset. I want to be able to confide in people about my pain without serving the purpose of making people feel guilty. I’m tired of the assumptions and questions and being society’s responsibility. Today is one of those days where I want out of my body, I want out of the uncertainty. I know God created me, and loves me, and calls me his own, and right now I just want to curl up in His arms. His grace is sufficient, even when my body is not”

And as I prepare for another semester of school and further preparation for my internship, I continue to remind myself of what Jesus said in John chapter 9. “This happened so that the works of God might be displayed in [her]”

This is only the beginning

This has been a semester packed full of God’s grace and tough love. After a summer of testing my patience, and a semester of trusting God to set life’s pace, and in the midst of a leg of my journey in which transformation has become not only evident, but necessary, I’m excited to say He’s finally revealed a small piece of what He’s preparing me for.

After boatloads of prayer, a few tears, a couple of happy dances, and a lengthy application process, I am thrilled to announce that I will be spending my summer serving alongside missionaries is Phnom Penh, Cambodia! It’s hard for me to describe in words all that this internship opportunity means to me. It seems that God confirms my calling to cross-cultural ministry almost daily and possibilities are everywhere, but making those possibilities a reality is often where visionaries like me tend to struggle. There are not only logistics to consider, but also finances, spiritual circumstances, and that little thing called college that takes up 9 months of the year.

Most college students get distracted from studies by facebook, twitter, pinterest, or the like. But I get distracted because I am researching international crises, trying to teach myself new languages, google-earthing obscure locations, or reading OpenDoorsUSA’s World Watch list. I tell you this not so you will think “Oh, what a globally conscious university student,” but as an example of how the passion God has given me permeates my everyday life. That being said, it is no surprise I found this internship by google search, during one of my lackadaisical, rather casual, pin-this-and-go-there-someday ministry daydream sessions. One thing led to another, and I found myself filling out a crazy long application in which I had to testify to how God truly brought me out of darkness to share the hope and joy of His Gospel. Technical difficulties ensued, interviews followed, and now I’ve found myself in this weird in between of real life and what I keep having to tell myself is not just a dream. It’s no longer a mere possibility for me to go to Asia, to share His hope and experience His Spirit in such an intimate way. This is a reality, y’all!

I’m only in the beginning stages. I’m raising support and reading up on culture and trying to wrap my mind around this crazy adventure God has chosen for me. And it truly will be an adventure. This is an organization I’ve never worked before, with people I’ve never really met, in a region I’ve never even been to, in a culture that is drastically different from my own. It really is just me and God. It’s all I’ve been asking Him for, this opportunity to step out in radical faith and immerse myself in ministry in unfamiliar territory. And it’s becoming increasingly real to me each day how much this is going to require true dependence on the Lord. I am ecstatic, but at the same time terrified. I am celebrating, but extremely humbled. This time last year, my spirits were crushed as the Lord closed doors for summer ministry, one after the other. I could never have known he was preparing me for something such as this, testing my trust, and testing my patience. He has called me to radical obedience.

I am celebrating in this season of anticipation; however, I also realize God still has life for me in abundance in these months leading up to my departure. May I savor the days as He gives them to me, one at a time. Thanks to Mission To The World (mtw.org) for letting me be a part of their work. And overflowing thanks be to the Lord our God, for His Spirit is among us. And if you are in a place of brokenness, or waiting, I just want to let you know: Hang in there, because He is going to show Himself, and who knows? He might be gearing you up for quite an adventure.

The “Best In” Store

So it’s been about two weeks since this blog got 100 views for the first time! Maybe I should make lists more often? Anyway, as some of you already know, this summer was really difficult for me because I just wasn’t doing much. I spent a lot of time waiting on God and waiting for answers, many of which I have yet to receive (or perhaps yet to accept.) But I made it!

I am extremely grateful to be beginning this new season in this place so close to my heart, with so many people that bring me so much joy. On the other hand, I can already sense the stress, due dates, social anxieties, and obligations trying to consume my thoughts and motivations. I’ve jumped right into 17 credit hours, a job on campus, and putting myself on a tighter budget. In fact, even though I’ve only been back at school for about a week or so, I’ve already forgotten to eat lunch twice. Like just forgot. About lunch. Two days in a row. Who does that? (No worries, I’ve now set an alarm on my phone with a tone called “Broccoli Salad,” which seemed fitting for the occasion.)

God is already challenging me in so many ways, making me exercise lots of patience and other fruits that I seem to spoil. I know that He has the best in store for me, but like a misbehaving child I’m distracted by what’s in other aisles.

“But I have a coupon for this! Wouldn’t it be easier this way?”…”The kids in that aisle have candy. Where’s my candy?”…”When do I get a turn to ride in the shopping cart?”…”But there’s a cute boy in that aisle!”…”You can’t expect me to reach what’s on that shelf. Why don’t You get it yourself?”…”But look, I NEED it!”…”Check out these things that make distracting noises!”…”Are we done here yet?”…”But I can’t afford that!”…”That’s not the brand everyone else is buying!”…”I can’t seem to find You, where did You go?”

The list goes on and on. I might not be throwing a temper-tantrum, but if my life is a supermarket then I sure do feel like that kid who is wondering how much farther they’ve gotta walk before getting a candy bar. I have come into this school year with my own intentions and I must daily surrender those to God, because He’s my ride home!

I love this place, I love this life I try to lead, and I love God’s reminders that His calling on my life is bigger than anything else, worth more than money can buy or that popularity can provide. He is preparing me for work and blessings that are bigger than myself, bigger than what I can imagine right now. And I can’t wait to see what He has in store.

82 Things My Freshman Year of College Taught Me.

A week from today, my sophomore year of college will begin. I’ll return to a place full of adventures, a place that really has transformed my life. As a college student, the question I get most often besides “What’s your major?” and “Where is that school exactly?” is the most intimidating of all the college questions. Yes, even more daunting than “So, do you have a boyfriend yet?” 

Every college student is at some point asked “If there were one thing you could tell upcoming freshmen, what would it be?” And well, knowing I would get this question I wanted to keep track of some of the lessons I learned. I love lists. I know lists are the “cool” thing to do on the internet now, and not to sound hipster, but I was making lists before it was cool. So I’ve kept track of this list since about May in hopes that I could share it.

Each of these has a story [or stories] behind it, but those are for another day (or if you ask). Some apply only to me, some might just apply to girls, some are of spiritual nature, some are just practical. But all are honest tidbits, small examples of all that college has been to me thus far. Enjoy.

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82 Things Year 1 of College Taught Me.

1. Having a roommate is harder than it sounds.
2. I am most definitely an introvert. An INFJ, to be exact.
3. Looking in the mirror and liking what I see is worth getting up early to go to the gym.
4. Jumbo note cards are my best friend.
5. Coupons really do come in handy.
6. Tennessee has better banana pudding [than North Carolina]
7. No one in NC has heard of Petro’s Chili and Chips, and thus chili, chips, and cheese is known as “Frito Pie”
8. I’ve yet to find fans more loyal and enthusiastic than University of TN fans, except possibly a couple of Alabama fans.
9. 3-4 inches of snow is about the point at which my scooter/wheelchair gets stuck.
10. No one is ever who you think they are when you first meet them.
11. Papers turn out best when completed in pieces, and with Celtic music playing in the background.
12. In the words of The Rocket Summer, “All I have is all of me, and it’s all that I can give.”
13. Sometimes it’s necessary to tell someone exactly what you need or don’t need from them, because they’ll never get it otherwise.
14. Hugs are an energy source if given and received by the right people.
15. Common courtesy can go a long way and lack thereof can ruin a day, or a week.
16. Solitude is something to be treasured because it’s hard to find in college.
17. I have little tolerance for excuses, anyone else’s or my own.
18. It is absolutely necessary to find wise Christian role models that will pour into you.
19. Negativity is poisonous, even when it comes from well intentioned people.
20. It’s okay to be angry, sad, or upset. It is not “unchristian’ to be angry, sad, or upset or to express those things.
21. People will flirt with you on more on days when you wear make-up. It’s stupid, but true.
22. Stage management is probably one of the most difficult jobs in the theatre, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat! (As long as it’s a show I wouldn’t rather audition for.)
23. My majors and career goals actually make sense to several people.
24. Don’t let your friends eat on your bed, or sleep in it when you’re not around.
25. When to say no. Don’t do something you don’t want to do, if it isn’t necessary. Because, in many cases, if you won’t enjoy it, then it’s not a worth being a part of.
26. Whiners and complainers are very annoying, regardless of the matter at hand.
27. Make your own decisions. You can ask people what they think, but you have to decide what’s best for yourself.
28. Nap time is an important schedule item.
29. Get yourself outside because it can be brilliant out there.
30. Crying is something that WILL happen, and it will happen when you least want it to and never when you’d actually like it to.
31. Text messages can be extraordinarily misinterpreted and they are not worthy sources of information. Ever.
32. No matter how cute a guy may be, he will forget things moments after you explain them and he will let you down at some points.
33. The large mug setting on a Keurig coffee maker is the exact amount of hot water necessary for one of those cups of Ramen noodles
34. Be careful in your choice of canoeing partners.
35. Denny’s has better coffee than IHOP
36. Take your Vitamin C!
37. Turabian niiiiights, Turabian daaaaaays: the life of a religion major
38. How to get footnotes onto the correct side of the page in Microsoft Word
39. God is attracted to us.
40. Sometimes a random adventure is exactly what you need.
41. Color coding completes everything.
42. “Sometimes you must suffer, suffer into truth.”
43. Making your bed can make all the difference
44. I’m super excited about being a wife and mother one day, I can feel it in my soul.
45. I often use humor to brush off, dumb down, or cover up how I really feel.
46. How real camping works.
47. People are very disappointing.
48. …but not ALL people are disappointing ALL of the time
49. Don’t anger any geese.
50. How to create a somewhat functional table using Excel.
51. How to cope with my childhood based fear of cafeterias.
52. My migraines are REAL. I have not been making those suckers up.
53. I’m really good at writing professional sounding e-mails.
54. In college, girls can be just as catty and deceitful and guys can be more disgusting than you thought
55. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust anyone ever.
56. That being said, always pay attention to your surroundings.
57. Recycle often.
58. Carry an umbrella.
59. Make great effort to wash your sheets regularly, like on a weekly or monthly basis.
60. Find yourself a cute raincoat so that the weather can’t get you down.
61. Don’t harbor resentment against people, it’s not worth it.
62. Trail mix is better with candy corn added to it.
63. You can “toss” a cafeteria salad using two bowls.
64. Breakfast really is important. Love it. Savor it.
65. At some point you will have to deal with your personal finances and figure out how this adult stuff works.
66. Don’t forget to check your P.O. Box.
67. Dryer sheets can be useful for many things, including but not limited to stain removal and air freshener.
68. Always smell the Febreeze before you buy it.
69. A little color on your nails can produce a large confidence boost.
70. Find some sunglasses that make you feel like a celebrity.
71. Take time to observe and appreciate the campus squirrels.
72. Thrift shopping really is awesome, whether you need quality time with friends or sweaters at a great price.
73. The buddy system is generally quite effective…
74. Though there will be times you have to go it alone.
75. Look out for campus sprinklers, and master the art of avoiding them.
76. Yoga is a lifesaver.
77. Don’t let any of your love and reliance on the Scriptures fall by the wayside
78. Be supportive of those you love. For example, maybe you really don’t want to see that basket weaving magic show, but nothing compares to the look on a friend’s face when he/she finds you in the audience.
79. Correct one another with love, but don’t yell. Please.
80. Take advantage of free or cheap t-shirts.
81. Utilize your Student Government! They are there for a reason, they CAN change some things.
82. Give compliments. Because if you’re going to think something nice about someone, you might as well let them know.
    

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Here’s to another year, y’all

Loads to Bear…or Maybe Not…

Not-so-fun fact: The actions of the people I care about affect me very deeply. Usually that’s seen as a good thing, because it means I’m compassionate and caring; however, there are a many times that my elevated sense of empathy causes me unnecessary stress. Most of the time, I get rattled when a friend or family member makes an unwise decision. I get caught up in what I could have done to help them, and what more I could have said to them, even when it all really has nothing to do with me.

There are a handful of students that I am close to that are younger than myself. I try my best to share what wisdom I can, and to encourage them in their faith. But sometimes when they stumble and get hurt, or someone hurts them, I get so worried about them that it causes me anxiety and stress. I constantly want to be able to fix things that are out of my control.

As I prepare for my next year of college away from home, I am also preparing to leave quite a few of my “kiddos” (that aren’t really kiddos anymore) behind once again. I am growing increasingly nervous, not for myself, but for these brothers and sisters of mine who are going to be facing big decisions and great adversity. I have been praying hard for patience and for a greater sense of peace.

A few days ago I read a passage in Galatians 6 about bearing one another’s burdens. I looked at it and thought “Yup, that’s me. But if I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, why do I feel so unsettled?” Then, I noticed at the end of the paragraph, verse 5 said For each will have to bear his own load Woah. Wait. So I’m supposed to carry people’s burdens, but not really?

As I dug a little deeper into the chapter and its context, I realized what the Scripture was really saying. We must bear one another’s burdens, but each person is responsible for his/her own work. Because if I could be held responsible for a brother’s actions, then credit would be given to me, instead of the Lord. And so in order for the power of God to be demonstrated in their lives, my kiddos have to handle things on their own, regardless of what I do or say.

My younger friends will have to test their own work. I can guide them with gentleness, but I am not meant to save the day. That’s the Lord’s load.

Simply Put…

Despite my laziness in blogging, a lot has gone on over the past month. I’ve served with a missions team in Guatemala, taught classes during Fine Arts Camp, and have also been making an effort to delve more deeply into Scripture.

Right now I am reading a book called The Irresistible Revolution in which the author shares his journey of faith while challenging Christians to live and love in radical ways, using examples like the early church in Acts and many other incidences in Scripture to emphasize the importance of a faith based on Scripture and the life of Christ, rather than faith based on cultural norms or what might be most comfortable.

First of all, I love this book and highly recommend it. It addresses some hard-hitting issues that the church today tends to avoid, and it throws church politics to the wayside as it describes how the church should really function. But anyway, it has been challenging me to dig deeper into Scripture and ask myself whether I really take it seriously. I am longing to see, hear, and experience scripture coming to life.

So I guess that’s really where I am. Looking to the Word, trying to figure this life out. It’s nothing fancy or terribly insightful, but it’s where I am. Searching for correlations between God’s Words and my life.

Truth Combat

I’m going through a strange phase of my faith right now. I’m one of those people who feels like they need to be doing something. I always need something to invest myself in so that I feel some sort of sense of purpose. And lately it’s been difficult to remind myself that I have a purpose, whether I am currently “doing something” or not.

In discussing this weird few months of my life with my friends and mentors, it is constantly being called to my attention that I am a leading player in the Comparison Game. I see what others are doing, have done, or intend to do, and I automatically feel lesser than them because I am not doing what is considered socially or culturally valuable. For example, I don’t post instagram photos of myself in a bikini, and whether I’m in a bikini or not I don’t get 30, to 50, to 100 likes on any photos of myself. In fact, I don’t really enjoy taking photos of myself unless I look like a princess, or I am wearing a funny hat. But I can see what my male friends like on instagram, and its all the kinds of photos I choose not to take. And I get upset. Am I doing something wrong? Am I eternally flawed because I don’t have toned abs or go tanning or have long beachy hair and then broadcast it? Is there some trick to taking likable photos that I have yet to master?

It’s a small example, but I think things like these thousands of times a day about thousands of different things, and I know how ridiculous it is. In my mind I have the knowledge that I am a valuable human being through the blood of Jesus Christ, but for some reason my heart doesn’t like to agree. A mentor of  mine told me that the best I can do is to surround myself with the Truth of God’s Word, and use that to combat each lie one by one. I’m sick of getting a gold in Olympic comparing, and at this point at least a bronze in Truth Combat would be more beneficial, don’t you think?

Wisdom from Watchman Nee

“We are often ignorant in ourselves; we do not know what we need to go through…no environment comes to us by accident. God wants us to see that everything is under his sovereign arrangement”

–Watchman Nee

Much left unseen

Well, it is June and I still haven’t quite figured my summer out. In all honesty, I don’t have a much greater sense of clarity since the last time I posted. But God’s been faithful to me all the same, and I’m trying to stay faithful to him as well.

As I have been pondering and praying about my summer situation–feeling confined without a specific calling for the next few months–I’ve been trying to make myself more comfortable with where I am at the moment. I have such great expectations for my next semester of college, that I’m tempted to keep that “just make it until August” mindset. But of course where is the fun in just making it?

Fortunately, it was decided recently that I could return to Guatemala with my home church’s puppet ministry for a week in late June, early July. I am thrilled about having the opportunity to travel and to use the Spanish I have been working on since I got back from a week in Nicaragua in March! I also signed up to volunteer at VBS at my home church, which is always one of my favorite weeks of the year. And puppeteer rehearsals are keeping me occupied a few nights a week. When I found all this out last week, I viewed it as progress, but was still discouraged by the seemingly monotonous look of my summer.

As I was reading through some Old Testament passages recently, I noticed something. The OT is a series of promises, and almost no one in the OT got what they were promised right away. I mean, Abraham had 20 years before Isaac, Joseph spent years in slavery, and the Israelites wandered in the desert for generations. And I’m complaining about waiting a few months until my life becomes “interesting”? I honed in on the story of Joseph. After all, Joseph was literally and figuratively confined. He was stuck in prison for years because of something he didn’t do. Even though we as modern Christians know that these “heroes of the faith” make it out okay, it is important to remember that at the time those people had no idea what was going to happen to them. I know they turn out alright, because I’ve read the stories a thousand times, but in reality Joseph didn’t know if he would ever make it out of prison. He didn’t know if he would ever see his family again. But he kept seeking God. Which struck me.

This morning in Sunday School–which I as a longtime church-goer take for granted all too often–our instructors began a series where we would study their favorite Biblical individuals. Can you guess who today’s lesson was about? If you guessed Joseph, you’re correct. If you guessed Ashpenaz or Paul or Jesus, well that’s all well and good but something tells me you missed the last paragraph. We examined each portion of Joseph’s life, and how God used his circumstances for good. While I am sick of hearing that my circumstances are all for good, the important part of the conversation was “Where God has you is not a mistake.”

I have not missed a sign somewhere, I’m not being punished for some wrongdoing. Where I am is not a mistake. It’s normal for there to be seasons of our lives like this, having no idea what to do. Am I ready for God to use me? Is this a time that the Lord is using to break me so that he can mold me later? There’s plenty to this that I don’t see. The Lord could be preparing me for something. And I guess I knew that already, but it’s nice to be reminded.