Its been a long time since I’ve fired up the old blog, but I realize if I don’t sit down and type this out now, I never will.
Lately I’ve felt preoccupied with the issue of calling. That’s a tricky word in Christian context, so let me clarify that what I mean here is primarily what to do with grad school and whatever career may follow. What does God want me to do with my life? I tend to be a very future-minded person, which is great in some circumstances, but terrible in others. By this time next year, I will have graduated college. (woah.)
In the fall of last year, God made it clear that I need to pursue seminary instead of theatre school. That has been a much easier decision than I anticipated it to be. As a kid, everyone wants to have their talent, their “thing” that they do and become relatively known for. Every kids TV show seems to have an episode for this dilemma, where the protagonist tries so many things and fails, BUT THEN they find that ONE thing and it’s usually really obscure. It’s like in Elf when they’re trying to convince Buddy he’s a good elf. “You always change the batteries in the smoke detector! You’re the only bass in the elf choir!”
When I was a kid, I was that one trying everything, just trying to find somewhere to belong. My parents never let my disability stop me from trying anything. It seems like all the time I had a new hobby I was trying, because I was convinced I had a talent and I just had to find it. I tried out for a solo in church choir, two years in a row–to no avail. At this point I was over age 10 and felt like I was running out of options. Would I ever be good at anything? The next year, instead of trying for a solo, I decided to audition for the drama portion of church choir. I can’t remember if it was the first or second year I auditioned, but I do remember that I made it! And I had a part with lots of lines, too! And that was when I decided theatre was my “thing.”
Lots and lots of acting classes and [mostly unsuccessful] auditions later, I still clung to theatre as my identifier. When I got to high school, I signed up for theatre class, no questions asked. I tried my hardest to be involved regardless of how auditions went. Sophomore year I didn’t get a part, so I stayed hours after school hot-gluing props together. Junior year my role was non-speaking, so I asked to stage manage, too. (I wouldn’t know until I got to college what being stage manager really meant!) Senior year I looked forward to getting a good role. I had to, I was a senior, isn’t that how it goes? Oh, I was senior alright. The play was The Crucible, and my part was that of Rebecca Nurse, a woman in her eighties who gets accused of witchcraft. Me? An old woman? Really? At first I was a little bitter, as many are when a cast list emerges. After a day of moping, I decided that if I was going to be Rebecca Nurse, I was going to be the best damn Rebecca Nurse those folks had ever seen. Truth is, it’s hard to play an elderly person, when you haven’t been through that stage of life before. But I put all of my might and passion and skill into that role. I was the first of the cast to have all his/her lines memorized, I rocked a killer grandma wig, had a formidable old cane that I grew to love, and in my last scene I did my own make-up to make sure that I looked like I’d been in prison for eight months. Looking back on it, I may have looked more like a chimney sweep, but I pulled it off. And I ended up having a blast. I always had a blast doing theatre, but that was when it really became real. When I felt like I could finally say “Here I am, I am a part of this.” I was asked to stage manage for our musical the following spring, but unfortunately had to decline because of course load. But you can bet I found my place, working as a backstage sound tech, studying for my IB/AP courses between mic checks.
Deciding to tack theatre on as another major in college seemed really inconsequential at first. It only seemed natural. I couldn’t not be involved in theatre. My combination of majors in indeed uncouth: Theatre Arts & World Religions. When people ask, I usually have to repeat myself a couple of times. Throughout college, I’ve been proud about the fact I have two majors and that I haven’t changed either of them. I love both of my departments so very much. But by this time last year, I felt like I had come to a crossroads. What was next? Long story short, I had narrowed it down to a divinity degree, or a degree in Stage Management. Fall semester, God used a variety of things to show me that seminary would be the better place for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. At first, it was really hard. I consulted a lot of my mentors, professors, and people I trust. A lot of times I got similar responses–that I would be good at both things. That’s just it, though.
For my entire college career, I have been divided. My attention, time, and resources have been divided between two excellent passions: Theatre, and Cross-Cultural Ministry. Both are time-consuming, and hard on the heart in different ways. By conventional standards, I am “good at” both things. But over the past year, I’ve become simply exhausted and burnt-out, friends. I have split myself into so many pieces that it’s hard to tell who I am anymore. Of course my identity is in Christ, and will always remain there, but I can’t honestly say I’ve kept good sight of that this school year. Part of what God is showing me is that I can’t keep dividing myself.
Junior year led me to some wonderful things, including rediscovering the joy I find in Biblical and cultural study. But, particularly spring semester, it also forced me to revisit some of my darkest places. I’ve had several “relapses” in regards to my anxiety disorder. I’ve had a lot of life circumstances aggravating my anxiety disorder, making symptoms more severe. I have been overwhelmed the worst degree. In the words of Needtobreathe, the Devil’s been talkin’. There were days I was convinced that I was worthless, or that everyone hated me, or that I would never please anyone. I considered getting a big sign that said “congratulations! You have gone __ days without a nervous breakdown!” I almost always had a roll of toilet paper on or near my bed, because I would cry, and I mean CRY, almost every day. But thanks to the grace of God and a very tolerant roommate, fortunately I can say I never truly hit rock bottom–trust me, rock bottom is much worse.
Through all of this difficulty and more, the Lord has been faithful and will always be. He brought me through that valley called junior year. And as the cliché goes, we learn more lessons in the valley than on the mountaintop. And one of the biggest lessons I’ve carried out of this is that I can’t remain divided anymore. During my internship last summer, God made it clear that ministry includes putting yourself in a place where you can thrive in order to minister most effectively. I am not thriving by dividing myself into dozens of pieces: some for the mission field, some for the theatre, some for my friends, etc. I have put myself in physical, mental, emotional, and most importantly spiritual distress. And so God says, “time for some pruning, kid.” And I, unable to run anymore, submit to the great Gardener.
Now this doesn’t mean I’m quitting theatre cold turkey; It will always be in my blood. The skills I have gained and experiences I’ve had will influence me for the rest of my life. This next season of GWU theatre is going to be so much sweeter, because I know it will be my last. My last season at GWU. My last season of division. (for a while, at least.) It’s going to be a great season too, including auditioning for my dream role, which I think is a way of God giving me permission to go out with a bang. After I finish both majors, there is no doubt theatre will “haunt” me forever. I will dabble, and I might even use it to make money while I’m trying to earn my seminary degree. But theatre is not my lifeblood. Theatre is not my identity. Theatre will not always be “my thing,” and I’m learning to be okay with that.
Yesterday, I was journaling about my calling. Because quite frankly, I’m looking at ministry job postings and realizing even with the degrees that I am looking at, I still might not be qualified for any of them. Unless I get a dual degree. But Bekah, isn’t that kind of like double majoring again? Yes, yes it is. So all I know about my calling is this:
The common thread that I see in the things I am passionate about is: people are worth something. None has more worth than another. God sees us all as worthy enough to sacrifice His only Son. That is all the worth we need, and more than we deserve. How can I use my life to most effectively help people understand that they are worthwhile because of Jesus?
Rev. Bekah Rhea, MDiv. 