Truth Combat

I’m going through a strange phase of my faith right now. I’m one of those people who feels like they need to be doing something. I always need something to invest myself in so that I feel some sort of sense of purpose. And lately it’s been difficult to remind myself that I have a purpose, whether I am currently “doing something” or not.

In discussing this weird few months of my life with my friends and mentors, it is constantly being called to my attention that I am a leading player in the Comparison Game. I see what others are doing, have done, or intend to do, and I automatically feel lesser than them because I am not doing what is considered socially or culturally valuable. For example, I don’t post instagram photos of myself in a bikini, and whether I’m in a bikini or not I don’t get 30, to 50, to 100 likes on any photos of myself. In fact, I don’t really enjoy taking photos of myself unless I look like a princess, or I am wearing a funny hat. But I can see what my male friends like on instagram, and its all the kinds of photos I choose not to take. And I get upset. Am I doing something wrong? Am I eternally flawed because I don’t have toned abs or go tanning or have long beachy hair and then broadcast it? Is there some trick to taking likable photos that I have yet to master?

It’s a small example, but I think things like these thousands of times a day about thousands of different things, and I know how ridiculous it is. In my mind I have the knowledge that I am a valuable human being through the blood of Jesus Christ, but for some reason my heart doesn’t like to agree. A mentor of  mine told me that the best I can do is to surround myself with the Truth of God’s Word, and use that to combat each lie one by one. I’m sick of getting a gold in Olympic comparing, and at this point at least a bronze in Truth Combat would be more beneficial, don’t you think?

Wisdom from Watchman Nee

“We are often ignorant in ourselves; we do not know what we need to go through…no environment comes to us by accident. God wants us to see that everything is under his sovereign arrangement”

–Watchman Nee

Much left unseen

Well, it is June and I still haven’t quite figured my summer out. In all honesty, I don’t have a much greater sense of clarity since the last time I posted. But God’s been faithful to me all the same, and I’m trying to stay faithful to him as well.

As I have been pondering and praying about my summer situation–feeling confined without a specific calling for the next few months–I’ve been trying to make myself more comfortable with where I am at the moment. I have such great expectations for my next semester of college, that I’m tempted to keep that “just make it until August” mindset. But of course where is the fun in just making it?

Fortunately, it was decided recently that I could return to Guatemala with my home church’s puppet ministry for a week in late June, early July. I am thrilled about having the opportunity to travel and to use the Spanish I have been working on since I got back from a week in Nicaragua in March! I also signed up to volunteer at VBS at my home church, which is always one of my favorite weeks of the year. And puppeteer rehearsals are keeping me occupied a few nights a week. When I found all this out last week, I viewed it as progress, but was still discouraged by the seemingly monotonous look of my summer.

As I was reading through some Old Testament passages recently, I noticed something. The OT is a series of promises, and almost no one in the OT got what they were promised right away. I mean, Abraham had 20 years before Isaac, Joseph spent years in slavery, and the Israelites wandered in the desert for generations. And I’m complaining about waiting a few months until my life becomes “interesting”? I honed in on the story of Joseph. After all, Joseph was literally and figuratively confined. He was stuck in prison for years because of something he didn’t do. Even though we as modern Christians know that these “heroes of the faith” make it out okay, it is important to remember that at the time those people had no idea what was going to happen to them. I know they turn out alright, because I’ve read the stories a thousand times, but in reality Joseph didn’t know if he would ever make it out of prison. He didn’t know if he would ever see his family again. But he kept seeking God. Which struck me.

This morning in Sunday School–which I as a longtime church-goer take for granted all too often–our instructors began a series where we would study their favorite Biblical individuals. Can you guess who today’s lesson was about? If you guessed Joseph, you’re correct. If you guessed Ashpenaz or Paul or Jesus, well that’s all well and good but something tells me you missed the last paragraph. We examined each portion of Joseph’s life, and how God used his circumstances for good. While I am sick of hearing that my circumstances are all for good, the important part of the conversation was “Where God has you is not a mistake.”

I have not missed a sign somewhere, I’m not being punished for some wrongdoing. Where I am is not a mistake. It’s normal for there to be seasons of our lives like this, having no idea what to do. Am I ready for God to use me? Is this a time that the Lord is using to break me so that he can mold me later? There’s plenty to this that I don’t see. The Lord could be preparing me for something. And I guess I knew that already, but it’s nice to be reminded.